JERRY'S
FAVORITE JOKES
"The Common defect of all mystical systems previous to that of the Aeon
whose Law is Thelema is that there was no place for Laughter."
- Aleister Crowley
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. - AL I:40
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Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to. God agreed and told Adam that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called a ‘woman.’ God then added, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Surprised, Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?"God smiled and replied, "An arm and a leg."Adam thought for a second and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"And the rest they say is history..--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,the Graham guy is saving everybody,and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask your friend - “What’s this ???” [put your palm up to your mouth and make a biting gesture]Answer: "It's Jesus biting his nails." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was Jesus such a wimp?1. His best friend was a whore and he still didn't get laid2. He died the first time he got nailed.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam and Eve had sex for the first time and afterwards Eve got up and went over to the river to wash up. God tried to warn her but it was too late. He shook his head and all you could hear was a rumble from the sky as God moaned, “I’ll never get that smell out of the fish.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh fuck…" The priest said, "That’s it, god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a great deep voice was heard to say, "FUCK, I Missed".--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary. The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions. "Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world" "Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world" "Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway" At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you" As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said "wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions". He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear ... "Big Tits!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus and Moses get together for a little reunion. Moses says" I haven't parted a sea in a long time". So he raises his hands, and a sea parts. He looks a Jesus and says " Damn that was fun". So Jesus looks at Moses and says " I haven't walk across water in a long time". Jesus starts to walk on water. He gets out about 10 feet and sinks, so he swims back in. " What the hell went went wrong? I'm gonna try again." This time he gets out about 20 feet, and he sinks, so he swims back in. " I still don't know what happened, I'm gonna try one more time." He gets out about 30 feet and sinks, so he swims back in. He looks right at Moses and says " I know why I can't do it. The last time I tried it I didn't have holes in my feet."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?It takes only one nail to hang a painting.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard the one about Jesus walking into a hotel, tossing three nails on the front desk and asking, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword. ... Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again ... "Peter... Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross. ... panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter... I can see your house from here!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And God created woman. And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good. She stood there with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with this useless boob?..... And God created Man.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why didn’t Jesus go to college?Because he got nailed on the boards. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do girls like Jesus?"Cause he's hung like (extend your arms...) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven, the first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?" "Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man." "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Jesus cross the road? Because he was nailed to the chicken! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead? Because he was born in a barn. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross? "This is one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted.Joseph quickly turned to Mary and said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three departed souls were standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter said to them, "In order to enter these gates, you must first tell me the meaning of Easter." The first soul stepped up and said, "Easter is a time when families come together to enjoy a turkey dinner and give thanks for their many blessings."St. Peter pointed downward and with that the soul vanished. The second soul stepped up and said, "Easter is a holiday where people decorate a pine tree and place presents under it." Again St. Peter pointed downward and the soul vanished. The third soul stepped up and said, "Easter is all about a man named Jesus who lived about 2,000 years ago. He spoke of the coming of God's kingdom and he performed many miracles. Soon the leaders of the temple became angry at him, so they had him put to death. Three days later, he arose from the dead and stepped out of his tomb...." At this, Saint Peter began to smile, until the soul continued... "then Jesus saw his shadow and we had 6 more weeks of winter."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to his father asking, "Did you call me?""No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Popeye and Jesus get into a fist fight?Both went to Mount Olive at the same time.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was Jesus always being yelled at by his mother?Because he was always biting his nails!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."Silence returned to the house and after a few minutes the burglar again started to creep forward. He again heard. "Jesus is watching you." Frightened the burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Frantically he looked all around and in a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage. In the cage was a parrot.Nervously he whispered to the parrot, "Was that you who said, Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the parrot."That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
In the darkness the parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus and the apostles arrive in a small, dusty town to discover an angry mob obviously bent on doing harm. Jesus elbows his way through the crowd to discover a terrified woman cowering on the ground. Only then does he notice that everyone around her is holding stones. "What's happening here?" he demands."She's an adulturess," cries a voice. "And she must be stoned to death." "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," replies Jesus, staring back at the crowd. At this, everyone falls silent, then one by one they drop their stones and shuffle off, ashamed.Except for one little old woman who staggers up to the adulturess with a monster of a rock in her arms. With a huge effort of will she raises it above her head and craaaaaash!, smashes it down on the other woman, killing her instantly.At the sight of this Jesus lets out a huge sigh saying, "You know, mother, sometimes you really piss me off."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?" Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was then called on and she answered, "He's in my heart." And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" With this answer the whole class got very quiet and they all looked at the teacher; waiting for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert why he believed this.And Robert said, "Well. ... every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Favorite Bumper Stickers...
Jesus is coming! Look busy!Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an assholeJESUS SAVES . . . then he passes it to Gretzky . . . he shoots and scores!I found Jesus. He was behind the fridge the whole time!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is the law, love under will. - AL I:57
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